What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is one family/household member exacting pain, physical harm or injury on another. It can include verbal, physical, emotional psychological, sexual and financial abuse. This can be a repeated or habitual pattern of abusive behavior. This type of behavior can be carried out between a husband and wife, father and mother, sisters, brothers, sisters and brothers, and children and mother/father. Increasingly common is grandchildren abusing their grandparents, usually for their pension.

There are numerous theories why people abuse, but in South Africa, an important role is played by poverty, alcohol, drugs, unemployment, and in some cases, where women work while the male partner is unemployed and stays home to look after the children. While in other countries, many men are taking this role with joy and eagerness, our culture of male and female is a little different and more complex. In some cases, this leads to aggravation because the male partner feels disempowered, and he could become abusive so that he can feel in charge.

Both men and women are abused each day in South Africa. Some who have been horribly abused still return to their abuser, to the amazement of many people – and to the irritation of the courts, police, and the victims’ families. This happens more often than not. During all my time working with survivors, I dealt only with women; approximately 75% of all women who leave return to their abuser.

We, and the legal fraternity, must understand why this happens. Victims should never be turned away, even if they have returned to the abuser before. Some returned due to the lack of facilities and options to turn to, some went back because the abuser had told them he or she is sorry and it will never happen again. Quite a few had never worked, and the only roof they had over their heads was what the partner or husband provided. Families and friends at times often turn victims away, the abuser’s household is the only resource they have. They go back so that their children have a bed to sleep in and food in their tummies. When they go back, they go through a peaceful time called the ‘honeymoon stage’ before the abuse starts again. This time, it is worse.

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